


The Perfect Ex-Boyfriend

by PursueCrazyLife



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Aftermath, And low key shipping Ballum, Angst, Ben being a Human Disaster, Ben very obviously being in love with Callum, Break Up, Guilty Ben, M/M, Martin enjoying it way too much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:55:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21986254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PursueCrazyLife/pseuds/PursueCrazyLife
Summary: Ben, not dealing well with either the breakup or the Keanu situation, ends up in the pub, drinking with Martin who is surprisingly interested in Ben's disaster of a love life.Over the following days the entire pub, and Callum, begin to doubt Ben understands how a breakup actually works.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 14
Kudos: 117





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have an excuse for this, just that I really enjoy Ben and Martin scenes, and Ben's pathetic tries to pretend he doesn't care about Callum. So this fic kinda happened; it's a mix between angst and crack so probably pretty OOC, more a therapeutic attempt to come to terms with the breakup. Hope you still have fun with this :)
> 
> Canon divergence after the Christmas Day ep.

On Boxing Day Ben accidentally ended up in the Vic drinking together with Martin. His plan had been to make sure Martin had really killed Keanu, and not staged some elaborate setup because if Keanu ever showed his face again....Ben didn't even want to think about the consequences.

He slipped out unnoticed in the afternoon hoping Martin was drowning his sorrows. Immediately he spotted the man, brooding, for lack of a better word. He wanted to sit down for a second then go back home, only to realise Mick, and everybody in the pub had hushed, glaring at him. He rolled his eyes, great, why couldn't people just mind their own business? Ben decided he needed a drink after all.

“A pint please.”

“I know what you did to Callum”, Mick handed him his glass, “He's a good lad, and you messed about with him.”

“None of your business”, Ben muttered, he didn't need everybody to remind him.

“Right before Christmas, what has he ever done to you?” It stung, because it was the same question Ben was asking himself, what had Callum done to deserve him? Should have let him be, after Callum had come out. Maybe set him up with that nice bloke he'd told Jay about.

“It's complicated”, he said quietly not sure if Mick had even heard it, and walked towards Martin.

“Seats are taken”, Martin crossed his arms, two empty chairs around the table.

“Oh, do your crisps sit there?”, Ben asked, pulling one of the chairs up.

“What do you want now?”

“I just want to know if you really did your job, or if I have to worry about Keanu walking in here.”

Martin shook his head, “I showed you the video, what more do you want?”

“Frankly, you're a bit of a wuss. Maybe Keanu looked at you with his pretty eyes, and you couldn't go through with it. If Keanu shows up again, it's not just your head on the line, but mine as well. If my dad finds out we can start digging our own graves.”

Frowning Martin leaned forward, “Has your father finally lost it?”, then he burst into laughter, “You're scared, Ben. Well, at least you know how it feels for once. That's why you're sitting in the pub with me instead of being with your family, or in the arms of your boyfriend.”

Ben had started to plan Christmas since October. Not that he cared much for the holidays, for obvious reasons, they always ended up in some kind of disaster, but with Callum it could have been different. Breaking the cycle, giving Lexi nice Christmas memories instead of Christmas filled with tears and heartbreak. And Callum being all sunshine probably thrived on all the ridiculous bright lights and Christmas spirit.

“Wait a minute. Did he break up with you?”, Martin asked, disinterest and defiance had vanished.

“Why?”, of course Martin would think that Callum had broken up with Ben, and not the other way round.

“Because it's Boxing Day, and yet here you are with your least favourite person. This is almost as bad as drinking alone.”

“Which you are.”

“You stopped being annoying for a second when I mentioned your boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend”, Martin took great delight letting the 'ex' roll off his tongue.

“Are you finished having fun at my expense?”

“I'm just getting started.”

“Well, I don't see anyone from your family sitting here.”

“Did you cheat?”, Martin ignored Ben's jab which annoyed him even more, who did this man think he was?

“Of course I didn't cheat”, Ben said a little louder than intended, some people turning their heads again, murmur accompanying it.

“There has to be a reason he broke up with you”, Martin said, “Did Callum cheat, I mean he has a history with cheating.” Anger rose in Ben he grabbed Martin by the collar.

“Never talk about Callum like that, he did not cheat! Why would you even say something like that?”

“At the risk of repeating myself, Callum did cheat before.”

“That was a because he wasn't out yet, he is loyal”, loyal to a fault.

“Sorry Ben, calm down”, Martin pulled Ben's hands away, “So what did you do? Ask him to get rid of Keanu?”

“Any louder, so the police can hear it as well”, Ben hissed, “And no, I would never pull Callum into the business, he wants to become a copper for Christ's sake.”

Martin burst into laughter again, “This keeps getting better and better”, he slammed his glass on the table, “I want another pint.”

“So?”, Ben shrugged his shoulders.

“You are going to pay because I've got the video.”

“Seriously, you're blackmailing me, so you can get a couple of free rounds?” Martin leaned back with a smug grin, Ben rolled his eyes, this was getting annoying pretty quickly.

He should go, but then Lola, Jay and his mum would gang up on him again, trying to find out how and why the breakup had taken place.

“He seemed so happy when he bought that present for you a couple of days ago. What did you do, Ben?” No he needed something stronger before he could go back there. Mick still glared at him.

“Save it, I know I'm a terrible person”, Ben carried the drinks back to the table. Martin was laughing.

“What?!”

“I'm just enjoying watching people having a go at you.”

“Great.”

“So has this been your longest relationship? How long has it been 2 or 3 months?”

“2 months and 20 days. About 4 days and“, he checked his watch, “22 hours since we broke up.”

“Wow, that was pathetic. Do you want a ice cream, and some love movies with it, or should I just ask Bex to give you the entire Twilight books to read?”

“Shut up.”

“I could make you a breakup playlist”

“No.”

“Well, turns out you finally found your heart, or something closely resembling one.”

“Are you finished yet?”

Martin laughed, “You know it's really brave of you to come here on your own.”

“Why? I'm a Mitchell.”

“Yes, and you know how many people hate a Mitchell. The list keeps on growing, your ex being on there as well.”

“You know what, Martin? You are enjoying this darkside business a little bit too much. Where did you leave your sidekick Tubbs?”

“I didn't need him yesterday.”

“Playing the big man are we?”

“I didn't come here because I'm scared of my Dad, and I didn't make somebody else do my dirty business”, Martin snapped, “You like to pretend you're so dangerous, but the fact still remains you're just the same damn kid I dangled from the bridge all those years ago.”

Ben glared at him, “Am I supposed to be scared now? To be honest I'm starting to prefer a night in the hospital than being here with you, or at home.”

“Doesn't seem anybody wants you”, Martin said.

“Callum invited me over for dinner at his brother's for Boxing Day”, Ben wasn't sure why he was even telling this to Martin.

“Wait a minute, I'm not your rebound, am I?”

Choking on his drink Ben said, “No, why on earth would I consider you as my rebound?”

“You're right, I'm outside of your league.”

“I see all the ladies lining up”, Ben muttered.

“We need something stronger”, Martin decided.

“I don't know if that's such a good idea, mate.”

“It's the Christmas holiday and we're both stranded in the bar without girlfriends or boyfriends to keep us company. If we don't need this who does?”

If everything had gone to plan Ben would have been watching Frozen 2 with Callum and Lexi. Now he was sitting in the pub with bloody Martin of all people, so he opted for something stronger as well.

After two hours a drunk Ben decided he'd just call it a day, and stay. Nobody had been missing him yet.

“So why are you not hooking up with men left and right? Aren't the Christmas holidays the perfect opportunity?”, Martin inquired.

“What? I can't cheat on Callum!”

“But he broke up with you.”

“It wouldn't be the same. Callum is perfect in everything”, Ben slurred, “Like normally decent blokes”, he came a little closer to Martin, giggling slightly, “It's a secret”, he whispered, “Decent blokes are bad in bed, but Callum he is more than decent both in life and in bed. He is the full package in every single way possible. And afterwards I can just fall asleep in his arms.”

“He sounds great.”

“Oh, he is. Let's toast to Callum”, he said a little louder, Mick shooting him daggers by now.

“To Callum, perfect ex-boyfriend. And to Sonia, perfect ex-wife”, Martin nearly missed Ben's glass.

“So what's your plan to get him back?”

“Plan?”, Ben asked, mind fuzzy from exhaustion and booze.

“Ben, you can't let somebody this perfect go. Where is he now?”

“Went to a mate over Christmas. You think I should call?”, Ben already pulled his phone out, not sure what he would tell Callum, but he wanted to hear his voice again.

“No, don't do that. No d...drunk dialling. Bad idea. When is he coming back?”

“I don't know”, Ben said sadly.

“What, was it that bad?”

“He asked me if he should bother coming back.”

“And?”

“I said not on my account.”

Martin slammed his glass down, “Why on earth would you do that, Ben? How can you be so stupid?”

“I was having a moment, okay. Callum's like this angel, and I'm just me, he deserves a perfect boyfriend.”

“Well, that really isn't you”, Martin nodded in agreement, “We always want the things we can't have.” They lapsed into momentary silence, taking in the sounds of happy families, if such a thing even existed, and groups of mates, which Ben was short on as well, spending a pleasant evening. Ben's eyelids were drooping as he leaned his head on his propped up elbow.

He imagined Callum cooking for him, walking to and fro, talking about his day, leaning over Ben's shoulder and kissing him, then rushing back to the stove to save their dinner.

“I've got it”, Martin pulled him into the harsh reality, “Pretend to be good.”

“Wow, you used your brain, congratulations. I tried to do that.”

“And?”

“I've got Mitchell blood, haven't I? And a psychopathic father.” Martin thought about this for a moment then finally nodded.

“I see”, his eyes had gone glassy, “It's so damn tragic”, he muttered. Oh God no, he was going to burst into tears.

“Don't”, Ben warned, but to no avail, Martin started sobbing.

“I shouldn't have done the things I did. Shouldn't have hurt Keanu if Sonia or the girls ever find out...”

“They will if you say it so loud”, Ben shouted.

“Could you keep it down”, Mick shouted back. Ben had meant to whisper, he turned his head.

“Do you think they know?”

“I don't think I care anymore”, Martin sobbed. Okay this was enough, Ben stood up, the entire pub tilted for a moment, he caught himself on the corner of the table,

“Let's go.”

Together they managed to stumble back to Sonia's place.

“Don't tell anyone”, Ben told Martin, as he struggled with the keys.

“That you're still madly in love with your ex?”

“No, the Keanu thing.”

“Ohhh, yeah my lips are sealed.” Ben decided to walk home himself, almost running into the fence.

Lola opened the door, fuming. “What do you think you're doing?! Lexi has been waiting for her dad to come home, and spend the day with her, and what do you do? Get yourself drunk.” His head hurt, and he wasn't in the mood, so he tried to push past her only to run into Jay.

“Ben, can you at least wait a week before hooking up with somebody again?”

“I didn't”, he protested, the mere idea making him feel guilty.

“Really, so you just spent hours in the club, by yourself?”, Lola asked.

“No, I have mates, we were at the pub”, Ben protested.

“Who?”, Jay hands on his hips demanding an answer. Saying Martin would probably not go over well, besides he hated Martin, he wanted to say Callum, but remembered that they probably weren't mates anymore.

“None of your business”, he ignored further nagging and went to his room.

Falling onto the bed not bothering with changing clothes. He took his phone, hovering over Callum's number, remembering Martin's advice he didn't dial it. Besides what should he say, 'I know I said I don't love you, but actually I can't live without you.' Talking of sending mixed messages.

The second best thing was opening the photo album on his phone, looking at all the photos they had taken during a day they spent in London together with Lexi. It hurt to see Callum and himself so happy. He'd not only lost Callum, but himself in the process as well. He missed Callum's arms around him, tears started to brim. He wouldn't cry, he told himself. He wasn't as pathetic as Martin. He didn't care about Callum. He shouldn't care, he corrected himself.

Tears rolled down his cheeks, he grabbed Callum's shirt, that had still been laying around from a past visit and snuggled up to it. It still smelled like Callum, and when he closed his eyes he could pretend Callum was still there, lying next to him.

The sun pouring through the curtains physically hurt as he woke up the next morning. Anxiety from his nightmarish disjointed sleep clung to him, his heart racing. He had killed Keanu in his dream, the blood sticking to him, and Callum had been in the background shaking his head, telling him he never wanted to see Ben again. Ben had tried to grab his hand, but Callum had slipped away, leaving him with the pale, lifeless body, the knowledge he'd taken a life.

With trembling fingers he checked his phone, ten missed calls from his dad, great just what he needed. With a start he realised he'd never gotten the answer if Keanu was really dead or not. Instead he'd gotten himself drunk. This was not going well. What was it with these past two weeks? How had his life gone downhill so fast? And he hadn't even been the one who cheated.

He quickly hid Callum's shirt, because explaining it would be harder. Then he made his way to his dad's house.

Fear set in immediately as he stepped over the threshold. The entire atmosphere had shifted, normally Sharon would be bustling around. Now it was so quiet, when he stepped into the living room they were already sitting there. Louise had a dead look in her eyes as she fixed them on Ben, he took a step back, his stomach lurching again. He didn't recognise her anymore.

“Where have you been!”, his father's loud voice made him flinch. He didn't come closer, not sure if there had been any news on Keanu.

“Sorry, I've been....”, he halted not sure what to say. His hair and shirt dishevelled he knew what everybody was assuming.

“Going on a bender, picking up blokes while we're dealing with a family emergency. Why can't you ever put family first”, the disappointment hurt the most. Mixed with anger, he wanted to tell his dad that he had sacrificed Callum, the one good thing that had happened all year, the man he loved, and for some reason, some miracle loved Ben Mitchell. He had sacrificed all that for this. For a sister he'd already lost, and his father being disappointed, as per usual.

He clenched his fists, fingernails cutting into his skin. Denny was smiling slightly, looking down on Ben. A cold shudder ran down Ben's spine, not that Sharon would win any parenting awards of the year, but Denny with Phil didn't sit well with Ben. Seems his father had found a replacement son for Keanu pretty quickly. Why had he even bothered, of course his father would find somebody better.

“Any news?”, Phil asked impatiently.

“News?”, had he missed something?

“Is everything working according to your plan.”

“Oh...yes”, it didn't sound very convincing. Both Phil and Louise were looking like they could rip his head off at any moment. The broken plates for the Christmas dinner was still laying on the table. Pieces of glass crunching under his boots, as he inched closer to the door.

“Is there a problem?”, Phil asked.

“No, they disposed of the body. No traces at all”, Ben said.

“You do have conclusive proof?”

“Yes”, maybe. His heart was thundering in his chest finally Phil nodded.

“Okay. Listen Ben, I need to contact you at any time. In case Sharon decides to show her face here, or the Taylor clan.”

“I can deal with them”, Louise said with an icy voice.

“How's Peggy?”, he asked, worried for the baby's safety with these three being drunk on revenge.

“She was crying the entire night”, Louise said, sounding exhausted now, more like his baby sister, he relaxed a little.

“I can take her for today”, not that he had much planned anyway. “Lexi will be happy to see her.”

“Thanks, Ben”, the first smile on her face. When he finally got out of the house, Peggy lying peacefully in the pram, Ben released the breath he hadn't even realised he'd been holding. He noticed cuts on his palms, his fingernails had drawn blood.

He spent the morning with Lexi and Peggy, and in the afternoon he decided to pay Martin another visit. Leaving Peggy with Lola and the others.

“Hiya, Ben”, Martin back at the same table, from the looks of him he had been drinking for a while. This time he should really try and not get sidetracked Ben decided, only ask about Keanu, and then go. 

His thought were interrupted when somebody tapped him on the shoulder.

For one moment he thought it was Keanu when he turned to the person in question he started considering this might be even worse. Stuart grabbed him by the collar, shoving him against the bar.

“Easy”, Mick said, but there wasn't much authority behind. Probably would turn a blind eye.

“What did you do to my baby brother?”, Stuart asked, voice calm, too calm as he glared at Ben.

“I did him a favour.”

“A favour? He was devastated.” Stuart punched him hard, he could taste blood, and his ear was slightly ringing, he deserved it.

“Thought you'd be happy. You never liked me”, he said after he'd recovered.

“That was before I realised how happy you made my brother. But now...Is this all a game to you? Did you ever love him, or have you been stringing him along?” Ben didn't answer, if he told Stuart the truth it would come back to Callum. And Callum would either try even harder to get Ben back, already too good at reading him, or Ben would end up hurting Callum even more. This was all too messy, why did cutting Callum out of his life feel like cutting something out of himself? And he didn't even see Callum now, what would it be like if he saw Callum everyday? And worse with a new bloke?

“We both know Callum deserves somebody better”, Ben coldly said, not liking that Stuart was staring at him intently as if he was trying to solve a puzzle.

“Do you still care about him?”

Ben struggled out of his grip, “None of your business”, he rattled the line off he was coming to hate himself. Now he definitely needed a drink.

For some reason Stuart let him go, and walked away.

“How do you manage to make so many enemies in such a short time, Ben?”, Martin greeted him. Ben buried his pounding head in his hands.

“Did you get any sleep at all?” Ben looked up that was such a typical Callum question it took him by surprise that Martin of all people was asking him.

“What's it to you?”

“You look terrible, I mean worse than usual.”

“Well, you're not a 10 either”, Ben muttered.

“Do you ever feel guilty?”, Martin asked. Ben normally wouldn't even answer a question like this, but his walls were broken, Callum leaving had left him exposed, he should have told Callum everything, now he was just confessing this to a nobody.

“Yes.”

“I keep seeing Keanu in front of me”, Martin said in a lower voice, so nobody could hear them. They really shouldn't be discussing this in public, but Ben was too exhausted to really care. He couldn't even remember when he'd slept through the night, not since his dad had enlisted his help. Now that it was finished he felt aimless and lost. But then again this would never really be over. When he looked at Martin sitting there a broken a man he knew this would haunt them both forever.

“I have the same nightmares”, he offered. Normally Callum would wake him up, calm him down whenever he had them, which happened more often than he cared to admit. But Callum's mere presence helped. Now it was getting harder and harder to calm down.

“I can't face them anymore. Bex asked me to stay on Christmas Day I couldn't”, Martin turned to his glass taking another sip.

Blood dripped down on to the wooden table, reminding Ben of the blood sticking to his hands in his dream. Or the blood on his shirt leading to Callum finding out, he felt sick. He hated Keanu, had wanted him dead for so long, but now that he was responsible for it he didn't want it anymore. Wasn't growing up without daughter punishment enough? Well he still had Sharon's kid, but killing somebody...

“Ben, your nose is bleeding”, Martin pulled him out of his thoughts, throwing a pack of tissues in his direction.

“Tilt your head forward a bit”, he said when Ben kept staring. Killing somebody over cheating...never cross a Mitchell, could he even protect his family from his father? How much did Lexi belong to the Mitchell's in his father's mind. How much would Callum if they ever married? Would Callum end up with a bullet in his head?

“Ben? Are you having a stroke, or summit?”, Martin watched him with morbid curiosity.

“I think I'm scared of my family”, he muttered.

“You think?”, Martin laughed, “You have all lost it completely.”

“Can the cycle be broken?”

Martin shrugged, “Callum reckoned it could?”

“Yes.”

“Maybe. Your kid seems okay.”

“She doesn't spend much time with Phil.”

“Good, otherwise she'd end up as a psycho nutcase like you.” Ben decided to ignore that last remark. 

"What does she want?", Martin asked, pointing towards Whitney who was walking towards their table.

Ben groaned, could this day, this week, this month get any worse? The last thing he needed was Whitney to tell him how much he had broken Callum's heart, he knew that himself, and was paying for it every waking hour. There was probably no person who hated Ben Mitchell as much as he did himself right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Callum's going to be in the next chapter. I'm already missing him too much in canon to not at least have him here in my fic


	2. Chapter 2

“What did you do, Ben Mitchell?!”, Whit looking almost as angry as the night before her wedding.

“Oh this is going to be good. Ben, this is better than the telly”, Martin leaned back, opening a bag of crisps.

“A week ago we both agreed on Callum being a great bloke, and you treating him with respect. And you did. You made Callum so happy, happier than I ever could, and I appreciated that, but now you just dump him out of the blue, tell him you don't love him. That it hasn't meant something.”

“Hold up”, Martin started waving his hands, “Just to clarify, you're saying Ben broke up with Callum, and not the other way round?”

Whit shot him an annoyed look, “Not that it's any of your business, but yes Ben broke up with Callum.” This sent Martin into a hysterical laughing fit.

Whit looked a little put out, “What's with him?”

“Drunk”, Ben uttered, how did he even end up here? If everything had gone to plan he'd be ice skating with Callum, instead he was in the pub with Whitney, Martin and big brother Stuart. He needed better New Year's resolutions, this year had escalated into chaos.

“I'm not sure if I'm understanding this correctly”, Martin said, still red from laughing, “So you are clearly in love with Callum, but still dump him?”

“Shut up”, Ben said through gritted teeth, “I am not in love with Callum”, he said with as much conviction as he could muster which wasn't much.

“Oh, so you telling me yesterday Callum was good in everything. How did you put it ever so eloquently, more than decent in life and in bed, the whole package, an angel.... What was that, just mates complimenting mates?” Whit was at loss for words just looking at Martin then at Ben then back at Martin.

“Are you pulling my leg right now?” Ben wished they were.

“Ben's a masochist, that's why he keeps running back to daddy to get his hands dirty.” For that Martin received a well-aimed kick under the table. “Oi Ben.”

“I was drunk, I really don't love him.”

“You're a terrible liar on top of everything else.”

“What are you playing at?”

“Nothing, Whit.”

“You know he lost his chance at a police career”, she snapped.

“What?”, a sinking feeling in his stomach, had his dad pulled something, or Tubbs? Stitching Callum up. Had his breakup come too late, was the damage already done?

“He was angry with you, for being walked over. We went to the Vic and Leo was there. Callum went off, I have never seen him like that.” Ben had and he knew how this would end. “He started beating him up.” The one time Callum beat somebody up who wasn't Ben, and Ben missed it probably had been sexy in a suit, like James Bond. He shook his head, this was serious.

“He got arrested because of Leo?!”

“Yes, and because you had to dump him.” Anger rose in him, he wanted to take the next train to wherever Callum was and punch him.

“Why would he do something as stupid as that?!”

“Well, at least you're not the only stupid person in the relationship”, Martin threw in.

“I broke up with him, so he wouldn't get caught up in my criminal family business, and then he just gets himself arrested anyway. I need to talk to him”, Ben decided, give Callum some piece of his mind.

“No, remember what I told you yesterday? No drunk dials.”

“I'm not drunk”, Ben moved away from Martin who tried to snatch the phone from his hands.

“You haven't slept for days, from the looks of it, you are zoning out, you seriously have your wires crossed with your stupid breakup scenario. You're not thinking straight. And I swear to God if you make a gay joke out of that I'm going to punch you!”, Martin managed to snatch the phone away, before Ben could hit dial.

“Hold on, you broke up with him because you thought otherwise his career would be in jeopardy?”, Whitney asked. Had he said that out loud?

“None of your business”, why was he even using this line, it never worked anyway.

“Something a mate would do”, Martin rolled his eyes, “I think you got punched too many times, Ben. And I don't think you know how breakups work.”

“I don't believe this”, Whitney sunk down next to them, taking Ben's drink and downing it in one go, “What is wrong with you?! Callum was in bits, and now you're telling me you're still very much in love?”

“I ain't telling you I'm in love, I'm telling you I ain't in love”, Ben tried to defend himself, this was turning into a right nightmare.

“You couldn't get yourself a rebound guy, Ben sexmachine Mitchell because you said Callum was better, especially after waking up in his arms”, Martin added, not being helpful at all. Whitney's eyes had widened even more.

“Really, you hadn't had any hook-ups since you broke up?”

“I had other things on my mind”, Ben muttered, it was true in a way.

“You're still in love. What did you do that for?”

“Is this some kind of self-inflicted punishment? Or playing extremely hard to get? You're gonna lose like this”, Martin said. Ben wanted to run out of the pub, better run out of his own life.

“Why can't you just leave it? It's already hard enough as it is. Callum deserves somebody better than me, and everybody knows it!” He stood up, all eyes fixed on him again, this time not contempt, but pity. Even from Mick and Stuart. He didn't need their pity, he was responsible for taking a life. Ben stumbled out of the door, even if Callum took Ben back, and that was a big if because he'd been all over the shop with Callum. Even then he would have to tell Callum he was a killer. Even if Martin hadn't killed Keanu, Ben had sent a hitman after him. What did that make him?

He sunk to the ground, drawing his knees to his chest. His hands trembling when he thought about his dad pulling him deeper and deeper in a life he'd never wanted.

“Tell him the truth”, Martin's voice nearly made him jump.

“Get lost”, Ben weakly said, not having any more fight left in him.

“If you still feel so guilty about all this there is still hope”, Martin muttered.

“It's wrong, everything we did was wrong. And Callum, he tried to warn me, I should have listened to him. Turned completely legit. Even with my family.”

“It's in the past.”

“One last job”, Ben laughed, “There is always going to be something. You know that.”

“But is it always going to be murder? You managed to turn away from everything else.”

“Don't you understand this is irreversible, Keanu is dead because of us.” Martin had a weak smile on his face, he put a hand on Ben's shoulder.

“Who said I killed him? He won't come back, so its the same difference”, with that he headed home.

Ben needed a moment to comprehend what Martin had just told him. His hands were trembling, as he realised the meaning of it. Maybe there was a chance of fixing this, but he had still given the orders. What did that make him?

The next couple of days he was in this dazed state, probably similar to his sister's, who looked right through him when she said she was glad Keanu wasn't breathing anymore. Phil kept smiling when he invited them over to dinner, Ben couldn't swallow a bite, and excused himself. Ended up hiding in the Vic.

“Thought I'd see you around”, Martin waved from their table. That's what his life had come to drinking together with Martin.

"Why would you tell me you let Keanu run?", Ben cut right to the chase this time. He would not let Martin derail the conversation back to Ben's nonexistent love life.

Martin shrugged, "Because you're not going to tell Phil."

"Are you lying?"

"Why would I lie? As I said gone or dead, same difference. You're never going to see him again, I made sure of that. Doesn't matter if I killed him or not."

"I don't believe you. You're trying to pull me on your side."

"Do I look like I care about what you think?"

“This vague, cryptic persona is not working on you.”

“Ben, even though you think you're God's gift to the world, has it ever crossed your mind I'm not doing this for you?”

“Tubbs is already into leather, brute force and stupidity, so you don't have to change on his account.”

“Not everybody loves a boring, naïve suit.”

“Callum's not boring.”

“If you say so.”

“You don't even know him”, Ben pouted.

“He's in love with you, so I think that gives me enough information on what kind of person he is. A boyscout who still believes you can turn good. Kinda sweet, but also stupid.”

“Callum ain't stupid either.”

“Yet you don't love him”, Martin taunted him.

“What are you, the British answer to Oprah Winfrey?”

“Clearly you think I am, who's been using me as their couple therapist?” Again Martin had derailed the conversation, and Ben had let him. He sighed, rubbing his eyes, trying to get back on track.

“Why are you still feeling so guilty if you didn't kill him?”, Ben asked.

Martin shrugged, “Everything else I did. It's hard to stop when you start getting a certain taste for it. You should be glad you have a boyfriend who keeps you on the straight and narrow.”

“Ex-boyfriend”, Ben corrected him, sadness creeping up in him, it was nice to stop pretending for a moment that he didn't care about Callum.

“We'll see about that.”

“Since when have you become so interested in my love life?”

“Since you've been bawling about it all the time. If I have to hear that 15 minute monologue on why Callum is the best boyfriend humanity has ever seen again I'm going to turn gay myself.”

“Tubbs would be delighted”, Ben retorted.

“Funny”, Martin said in a deadpan voice, “I mean it wasn't just the talk, it was the fact you had photographic proof for almost everything.”

“Photographic proof?”, Ben asked, face losing all colour, he could only remember bits and pieces of the night they'd been drinking together for the first time.

“Yeah, your boyfriend, the one you allegedly never loved, you had an entire photo album on your phone titled 'Best boyfriend ever' it was quite something."

“If you tell anybody I'm going to make your life hell, I'm not joking.”

“Relax, I didn't tell anybody. Anyway this is entertainment, ain't it? You know how boring the Christmas holidays are if you have nowhere to go?”

“Were you hoping for a great Christmas miracle? Holding hands under the Christmas tree? Kissing under the mistletoe? But who would kiss you?”

“Whereas you have strategically hung up the mistletoe, to get your ex to kiss you, Benny Boy”

“I haven't”, he had. An embarrassing amount of mistletoes were still in his room. Jay had warned Ben that Phil would probably suffer an heart attack by the end of the night if Ben was planning to kiss Callum under every mistletoe. He had never gotten round to hang them up in the end. Sitting in the midst of his family he had never felt lonelier.

“Why even pay for my TV licence if I can see your train crash of life?”

“To pay for a TV licence you would need a TV and your own place which you haven't. Where do you live these days? It's hard to keep up.”

“At least I don't live with my Mum.”

“At least I still believe in family values.”

“Really? By breaking up with your boyfriend right before Christmas.”

“Not one of my best ideas.”

“Try worst.” For once he agreed with Martin.

“Could you just shut up already. I'm trying to have a drink here?”

“No, I feel better with you around because your life is almost as miserable as mine.”

“I should just have thrown you off that bridge”, Ben muttered.

“It's like we can read each others minds, mate. I was thinking the exact same thing. Should have thrown you off that bridge when you was a still a cute, harmless child”, he paused, “No wait, that would be wrong.”

“Oh, so throwing kids off bridges that's where you draw the line?”

“No, you were never cute, not even as a child.”

“Excuse me, I have it on very good authority that I am in fact very cute.”

“That would be darling Callum. No offence, but his taste in men is appalling judging from the fact he chose you.”

“Oi, don't insult my boyfriend's taste in men.”

“Ex, mate, ex-boyfriend. Anyways, lets drink to that.”

“To you insulting Callum?”

“No, having the exact same though of throwing the other off the bridge.”

“Absolutely not.”

“High five then?”, Martin lifted his hand, looking expectantly, “No...fist bump then? Or just a cannon of glitter?”

“I hate you.”

“Yet here we are, Benny Boy.” Reluctantly Ben high-fived Martin who looked very pleased. Well that happened, not like this holiday could turn much worse.

“The next round is on me”, Martin smugly said. The only positive thing about Martin's antics had been that they had distracted Ben, but now his gloomy thoughts hit him full force.

Ben missed Callum so much. He wasn't sure he could even go through this charade of not caring. Didn't help half the square already knew about his breakup fiasco and the truth behind it. People had been nicer, but he didn't want their pity. He was still a Mitchell, he couldn't just cut all ties, he didn't know if he could make it work.

He wasn't sure if Martin was telling the truth about Keanu one way or the other. The only thing that was his constant right now was that he still loved Callum madly.

“Ben.” He jumped at the voice of his boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, that sounded real, was he beginning to imagine things now? But when he looked up lo and behold Callum was standing at his table, a shy, but guarded smile on his face. Keeping his distance. Ben wanted to say something, but he couldn't his words all stuck swirling in his mind. He wanted to apologise, tell him how much he really loved him, but also everything else, all the bad things, but would Callum still stay? And should he even stay? Or would he end up dead like everybody else?

“What did you do to yer face?”, Callum asked, “My brother didn't have anything to do with it, did he?”

“No, no....Just a family thing, I deserved it”, Ben said, not even lying per se, Callum already felt like family, in a good way like Lexi, Jay and Lola did.

“I didn't know you were mates with Martin.”

“We're not”, Ben said automatically.

“Oh, I assumed...”

“We're as much mates as he is not in love with you.”

“That statement is wrong”, Ben blurted out.

“What that we're mates, or you're not in love with Callum?", he turned to Callum, "Ben is clearly _not_ madly in love, so _not_ madly in love that he spent hours telling me how great you are. I have to confess I almost wanted to marry you myself. I don't think I've been this in love with anybody.” Ben wanted to punch him, he hated Martin. But then a perplexed Callum sat down.

“Whit called me, told me I should talk to ye.”

“Please do, I'll arrange your wedding, I'll be your best man, Ben. I mean I already know the presentation on greatest boyfriend of humanity.”

Callum rose a eyebrow, “What's he talking about? Ben, why is everybody this invested in our relationship? How do they even know about our breakup?”

“News travels fast, I mean you told Whit.”

“Whereas you told Martin? Martin of all people, I thought ye hated him?”

“I did, I do.”

“Then why?”

“I was drunk.”

“So you obviously don't care, and came to the pub to do what exactly? Celebrate that we're not together?”

“No, stop having a go at me, Callum.”

“A go at you?”, Callum laughed, “I don't believe this. Ben, people have broken up with me before, and I have no idea what you are doing, but this”, he motioned towards Ben, “Is not how you behave post breakup when you clearly don't care about somebody.” Why hadn't Callum just kept away, any more of these talks and he'd probably end up proposing to Callum, or do something equally stupid.

“Lexi missed ya”, he said, trying to shift the conversation away from him and his failings at post breakup behaviour.

“Oh _Lexi_ misses me?”

“I wanted to take Lexi and you ice skating”, as soon as the words were out Ben wanted to bang his head against the table. What was he even doing right now?

Callum frowned, “Are you asking me out, Ben? After you broke up with me?”

“No, no....It's just for Lexi. As a father you do everything for your daughter.” He was quite happy he had played the father card, like a responsible adult would.

“Because it's such a sacrifice for you to spend time with me”, Callum snapped.

“No, I don't mind spending time with you”, had he just said that out loud? “As a mate”, he quickly added.

“You don't get away this easily. First you break up with me, then you wallow in self pity in the pub telling everybody how much you love me, then you ask me out only to then friendzone me? What is wrong with you, Ben?”, Callum asked.

“I could write a book about that”, Martin said loud enough for everybody to hear in the pub, and nod in agreement.

“I'm a Mitchell.”

“That doesn't give you an excuse to behave like a total twat, I know you are better than this. I know you care about me. Why do have to make it so much harder than it needs to be? God, sometimes I just want to knock some sense into ye.”

“In bed?”, Ben threw in before he even had a chance to think. Callum threw him an annoyed look, and Ben decided speaking wasn't something he should do.

“Ben, either you man up, drop your charade of not caring and be my boyfriend. I know we can make it work, we made it work before and we can make it work again. You're not alone, you just have to let me in for once. Or we are done, and with done I mean utterly done. No more moping about me in the Vic, no more stalking me and running into me on purpose, no more excuses that we have to meet up. We'd be nothing, not even mates, nothing, just strangers, you got that? The only interaction would be nodding our hellos when we pass each other on the street.”

This was not how this had supposed to go, he still wanted to be mates with Callum. Whitney and Callum were mates, so it did work being mates with your ex, right? He could keep an eye on Callum, make sure he sorted out all the bad blokes that hurt him. Callum would find someone perfect, not a Mitchell, but somebody normal, somebody boring who'd do Sunday brunches, the worst offence would be nicking a banana from Martin's stall.

“Don't do this”, he reached for Callum's hand, but stopped short of it, “Don't cut me out like that.”

“Cut you out”, Callum nearly shouted, “Ben, I wanted you to tell me what happened the week before Christmas. Why you were walking around like the world was ending. You dumped me, don't forget that.”

“Dumping you and not being mates anymore is a big difference”, Ben protested.

“Is it, Ben?”

“I would destroy you, that's what I do.”

“Ben, I can decide for myself, I'm an adult. I'm older than you. Stop assuming you know what's best for me.”

“My family is dangerous, I don't want you to get hurt.”

“Need I remind you the only one who nearly died here a few months ago was you, and that was because of me, so I don't want to hear any of your 'protecting me' excuses.”

Ben didn't say anything, he didn't trust himself enough, he locked his eyes with Callum's who was looking at him expectantly. He couldn't pull Callum into his mess of a life, that wouldn't be fair on Callum. Tears in Callum's eyes, Ben felt terrible for being the one responsible for them. He wanted to tell Callum how much he loved him, but he couldn't. He looked down, breaking the gaze.

“I thought so. You think you're as tough as your old man, but you know what you are, Ben? A scared kid. Have a nice life”, Callum coldly said standing up and walking out of the now silent pub.

“What are you waiting for? Go after Halfwit”, Shirley said from behind the bar, “I'm not serving your ugly mug any more drinks if you don't.”

“Yeah, or listening to your stupid, cheesy love declarations. This isn't bloody Romeo and Juliet, just go after him”, Martin said with a dramatic sigh.

Ben ignored them, remembering he'd told Callum how he would give anything to spend a few more moments with Paul. Now he'd give anything to spend a few more moments with Callum. Callum with his naïve sunny disposition, who saw something good even in someone like Ben. Callum who played tea party with Lexi. Callum who saved Bobby from being hit by a train, saved Ben from bleeding out on the ground. Callum who let Ben snuggle against him like a cat, and didn't seem to mind. Looking at Ben like he was a revelation. Callum who always listened to Ben's problems. Who cared for him like few other people ever had.

Despite himself he stood up as the pub door slammed shut, “Wait”, he shouted, running towards the exit. The entire pub erupted into cheers and people shouting towards Ben to get his man, and longsuffering statements of 'finally'.

“Be a darling, and invite me to your wedding. It only took me hours of my life I'll never get back to make you see some sense”, Martin shouted after him as Ben stumbled outside.

“Wait”, he caught up with Callum, who turned, guarded look on his face.

“What? I'm not going to be just mates with you, Ben.”

“I want to try, to be a better boyfriend this time, okay?”

“Tell me what your family did.” Callum was about to slip away from him so Ben nodded.

“I'll tell you, but you won't like me after that.”

“Let me be the judge of that”, Callum smiled now.

They walked next to each other, their hands almost touching, Ben wanted to take Callum's, but didn't. He knew he had a lot to make up for.

“You're not going to break up with me everytime I say I love you because then we would have to do it constantly.”

“Does that mean you are considering to take me back?”, Ben asked hopefully.

“Maybe, but I can't have you always one foot out the door, if I take you back I want you to stay even if things get scary. We can do this together, Ben, if you let it.”

“Yes”, Ben's heart picked up speed, the fear coursing through his veins. Callum took one of his trembling hands in his.

“It's okay to be scared, I just want you to let me in, and not run away.” Ben squeezed back, Callum his lifeline.

“I do care about you”, he muttered.

“You think?”, Callum gave him an unimpressed look, rivalling Jay's when Ben had done something more stupid than usual.

“I, and everybody else on the square for that matter, knows that. Why'd ya think I came back when Whit called telling me about your pub visits. Normally I'm not such a pushover to come running back to the guy who dumped me.”

“Breaking up with you might have been an overreaction on my part”, Ben muttered.

“Next time do something less dramatic, okay? And you're terrible at lying. I didn't buy your speech of not loving me for a minute”, Callum wanted to let go, but Ben didn't let him.

“I missed you”, he couldn't bring himself to say 'I love you' ...yet. But he was desperately trying to tell Callum in all the other ways he could think of.

“I missed you too”, Callum gently wiped away a tear from Ben's cheek. Ben knew Callum understood what he'd meant to say.

“Has anybody ever told you that you're a terrible boyfriend?”, Callum asked.

“Has anybody ever told you that you're a brilliant boyfriend?”, Ben smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't wait for the reunion, here's to hoping Ben manages to stay together with Callum this time round.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading :)

**Author's Note:**

> If anybody wants to scream with me about human disaster Ben and Ballum I'm @Pursuecrazylife on Tumblr :)


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